Death of a Murderer
by Lady Zenoka
Summary: The flip side of the story Death of a Savior, Revan's/Chris's POV. /BTW, Revan is a girl, her name is Chris though./


So this story is the flip side of one of my others, Death of a Savior. Something one of my friends said was sticking in my mind, and it was kinda like, well, what _was _Rev thinking? So here's the result. It flips between Revan's actual POV, and a couple of journal like things. Enjoy said angst!

* * *

_How is it possible? Me, how could I be… her? The dark acts she's done, the cruel nature of her very soul… How could I be Revan?_

_It just isn't possible. I'm not evil, am I?_

_-Revan… Chris?_

* * *

I don't know where I am, or how I got there. I taste blood in my mouth, and realize I've had another dream. One where I did unspeakable acts, and laughed. It kills me. It just kills something inside.

I need to walk. I can't just sit around here, I'll go crazy.

* * *

_I can see the look in Carth's eyes when I see him. He has the same glare in them had had when he talked about Saul. I'm afraid, afraid that what I thought we had won't last. I don't know if it can survive this._

_-Reva… Chris_

* * *

I wander aimlessly around the ship, the once open spaces seeming confined now, enclosed. Canderous stops me as I pass through the garage. He has some meaningless story to tell me, hoping to lift my spirits.

I smile weakly, and walk on.

* * *

_How can I go on? Knowing that someday, I may revert to her? My personality come out, come loose, swamp everything I know and love? What if I kill one of them? My closest friends?_

_I can't do this. Not anymore. I can't hold it in, she's clawing her way out. I can feel her, I can hear her. She wants to get out, needs to get out._

_-Rev… Chris_

* * *

Apparently it's Mission's turn to cheer me up. It isn't working; I pretend to laugh, to joke. Mission is satisfied, and walks away to talk to Zaalbar. I find myself in the starboard dorms, and kneel in the meditative pose.

_In… Out… In… Out… In… Out… I can't do this…_

Someone's entered the room. Juhani. She doesn't speak, only kneels next to me.

_In… Out… In… Out… In… Out… Bastila?_

I can feel her. I draw comfort from her familiar presence in my mind. Then, she is gone. As if she never was. I tentatively reach out, feeling for her. She's gone, cut our bond. I choke back a sob.

* * *

_Malak… Jack… Bastila… Carth… All my closest are gone. To the Dark, to Force knows where. I'm falling apart, but I'm afraid that this time no one will be there to catch the pieces._

_I lost Malak to the Darkness, as surely as I lost myself._

_I lost my best friend when I fell, and now I know not where he wanders._

_My bondmate, my confidante… she cut me out, and I don't know why… I've lost her too._

_Carth. My other half, my soul. I fear he's gone, and no hope of reconciliation._

_I'm scared._

_-Re… Chris_

* * *

I whisper his name as I slump to the ground outside the cockpit door. I can hear his even breaths in there, and it kills me. I would have been in there with him, sitting beside him. Running my fingers through his hair, toying with that insistent lock that falls across his forehead. Oh Carth… I sob quietly.

A scrap of his boot, and I'm gone. Shoot like a rocket to the security room down the hall. He opens the door, and I stare drinking my fill, knowing I may never see him again as soon as we touch down.

* * *

_I can't go on. I've made up my mind, and I'm glad. They'll be better off, they **will.** They don't need some psycho ex-Sith Lord in their midst, there's enough on their plate just dealing with Malak. Carth will find someone else. He has to._

_They can't deal with me now. Not with the pressure that I'll snap. Force, I can't deal with it. I can't stand the thought that I'll hurt them._

_-R… Chris_

* * *

I'm talking to Jolee in the medbay, trying to wrap up any loose ends before I go. I see a flash of orange in the hall, and turn to look. It's Carth. I call out to him, just this one last time. He ignores me, and continues on. I know I've made the right choice then. I can't stand this, not being around him, not having him the way I used to. And I'm glad.

But I'm still scared.

* * *

The pen shakes in my hand. I decided to use old-fashioned paper for this, it feels… more final somehow. I lower it to the paper gently.

_Carth._

_I can't do this anymore, I just can't. It's like something is broken inside me, something is gone. I've lost everyone one I've ever loved, and I can't go on. _

_Everyday, every hour, every minute, every second, I'm scared. I'm scared of who I was, and who I am. I don't know anymore._

_She's here, inside me, and I'm so scared she's coming out. I can feel her, I can feel her evil. She's part of who I was, and I don't know what to do. What if she escapes this hold I've put on her now that I know? _

_It's not something I could live with. So I won't. I'm not going to, I can't._

_I know how you feel right now, I feel it too. Saul's betrayal was nothing compared to mine. Mine was the ultimate betrayal, I stole your heart._

_In all fairness, you stole mine as well. I'm not the woman I was Carth_.

_I'm going. Not leaving, but I'm going. This blade here, is both my demise, and my savior. I need this._

_Chris._

I shakingly turn it over and slip it into the envelope. Steadying my hand, I write your name across the back. _Carth…_

The door opens, and I raise my head. It's you? I see you raise your blaster, and I am glad of it.

Maybe this will cleanse your soul.


End file.
